A Boy of Summers and Hateful Bummers coming too soon too near to you

It probably helps if you enjoy baseball. It’s not necessary to be a Yankee fan as this is way beyond that kind of partisanship. Mets fans will like it and I bet Red Sox fans will too. The guy - an Italian immigrant who also manned a machine gun in the middle of the deadly D-Day invasion - brought a joy to the game and to life with his oddball sayings that were rife with sparkly genius. And his baseball talents were more impressive than many are aware of.

This sounds like it’ll just be a fun movie-going experience. It premiered Friday.

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No one is safe from hatred. it devours the brain and all the organs.

At least, that was my theory.

But I wanted to put that theory to the test.

I just bought my first AR-15 3 months ago, strictly for defensive reasons because I need to feel safe from the threats of rightwing extremist groups, neo-Nazis, etc. Almost every day, somewhere, their numbers appear to be growing. Yesterday it was the Patriot Front in DC. So many young anti-maskers showed up, all wearing white masks to conceal their identities. In addition to upside down US flags, they carried flags that I could see ‘Ks’ on, clearly a reference to the KKK.

If they plan to take me down, or members of my family, I can definitely take some of them with me.

But the problem is there’s no easy place to practice with this weapon. Sure, there’s shooting ranges, but I’ve been told all the instructors at those are neo-Nazis, too. They track who owns advanced weapons. They likely ask questions or make political statements to observe our reactions so they’ll know who to shoot first. I avoid those places. Which really narrows my options.

I started driving 6 miles away to this one forest. And shoot squirrels. If you’re one of those who feeds them peanuts and think they’re cute, I’m sorry. What they really are is rodents, bushy tailed rats.

I only saw a few the first few times. But I keep learning more about the creatures’ habits. Loud noises in a forest get many of them to pop out of their nests and hiding places. With binoculars I can spot many more immediately after one quick AR-15 burst. Then they’re mine. Unlike the first few days, now I’m getting more like 25-30 a day, in less than 2 hrs.

I was worried at first that the blood would repulse me but it I’m getting an opposite result. A bullet hits them and they literally explode like red fireworks. It’s pretty cool looking.

But it’s not very challenging. So now I look for a few woodchucks. Two weeks ago, at one outing, I hit 22 squirrels, 2 woodchucks, what I think was a feral cat and this one rather assholey scrub jay.

Inevitably the shootings draw curious observers, so now I aim for different forests each day. I definitely don’t want any neo-Nazi to identify me as an armed liberal. And it sure seems like their ranks are growing.

Six weeks ago, quite by accident, I had to shoot one that was threatening me. That’s what I explained to the police. When he lifted his Glock to aim at me, it was me or him and the AR-15 was clearly superior. Plus his head was an even bigger firework than any old red squirrel. The cop was so impressed by my story, he even bought me a doughnut.

Along with my weapon expertise, I’ve gotten way smarter at identifying my potentially lethal enemies. You may not know it but people who color their hair that fake maroon color? Satanists. If they’re golden bottle blonds? Likely Aryan Brotherhood people. You’re probably not surprised to hear that everyone who works at cable companies are especially dangerous free marketeers with all their fakey-fake added fees and surcharges. Then there’s the fearsome Deep State terrorists at all the DMVs. If they control our official ‘identities’ the magnetic strips can define us as Democrats or vegans to every freaking traffic cop.

I’ve been watching the final season of the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and they must have hired Commie writers because it’s just not funny anymore. Too many Jewish American Princess stereotypes, too much variation in the sound levels. I think they’re trying to groom me to become pro-Semitic.

The gals at the Y who refuse to flirt with me are probably some of them transgender guys.. The way they look at me when I discuss the archeological quest for the holy G-spot is a dead giveaway.

I don’t want to bore you with all the detail in this newsletter. It’ll be covered much better in a couple of weeks when I complete my manifesto. A couple of weeks ago, I cashed in all my craptocurrency stocks to buy more guns and ammos.

Were you aware that there’s now a huge supply chain shortage of formfitting bras? A direct result of the population explosion of drag queens. Did you know that just two AR-15 magazines can take out a roomful of Sunday Brunch Davidians at a country club and three can take out that shadowy group of globalists that congregate at golf tournaments?

It only takes half a magazine to knock out a Grand Jury nest or the fake Congress critters that take part in the dark art rituals of a debt limit budget negotiation. But the bottom line is I feel so much safer than I have in years. I just wish this throbbing pain in my head would quit. I wonder if I’m being targeted by rays from Elon Musk’s Starlink satellites.

Which reminds me. I think suicide-by-cop is a horrible way to die. If I have to stand my ground against these Nazis and other societal dangers like greedy landlords and surly Disney execs, I’d like to handle my own demise. Do you guys know of any online groups that cover Creative Suicide options? Something quick and painless that doesn’t leave a mess.

Disclaimer: No actual critters of any kind were harmed by my sad sense of humor. The only true parts were the throbbing pains in my head and that last question.