April Fool's Day was supposed to be April First

But our Confederated tribes of indigenous idiots have changed it to other days.

First, there was former Senator Rick “I coulda been the answer to a trivia question” Santorum, who claimed everything in our culture came from European settlers, that the natives contributed nada. Speaking before the Standing Up for Faith and Freedom conference, the guy who’s wandered aimlessly in the political desert for the past 13 years was clearly trying to impress on the crowd that Jesus invented Europe and Europeans invented America, also out of thin air.

>> "If you think about this country, I don't know of any other country in the world that was settled predominantly by people who were coming to practice their faith.

"They came here because they were not allowed to practice their particular faith in their own country. And so they came here, mostly from Europe, and they set up a country that was based on Judeo-Christian principles—when I say Judeo-Christian, the Mosaic Laws, 10 Commandments and the teachings of Jesus Christ, the morals and teachings of Jesus Christ. That's what our founding documents are based upon. It's in our DNA.

"You know, if you think of other countries, like Italy and Greece and China, Turkey and places like that, they've all, sort of, changed over time. I mean, they've been there for millennia in many cases. And their culture has, sort of, evolved over time. But not us.

"We came here and created a blank slate. We birthed a nation from nothing. I mean, there was nothing here. I mean, yes, we have Native Americans but candidly there isn't much Native American culture in American culture.

"It was born of the people who came here pursuing religious liberty to practice their faith, to live as they ought to live, and have the freedom to do so. Religious liberty. Those are the two bulwarks of America. Faith and freedom. I mean, you hear it all the time about faith and freedom, faith and freedom. But it is what makes America unique in the world.”

Notwithstanding the fact that the initial exploration of the entire hemisphere was about commerce and trade before the Pilgrims reached Massachusetts, those hardy souls didn’t subsist on mashed bibles and psalmbook gravy to eke out survival from their new surroundings. In addition to dozens of new foods, the indigenous tribes gave us the model for our federal government, an important one used the bald eagle as its symbol first, provided us medicines, the precursors to the hypodermic needle and the birth control pill and a variety of products like chewing gum, rubber, cotton and tobacco. 21 of our 50 states have Indian origin names as do thousands of cities and towns, mountains, rivers, lakes and regions.

Europeans might have brought us classical, chamber and country music but I think jazz, blues, rock, reggae and far more are an important part of our culture today.

It wasn’t some papal decree that helped defeat Hitler. That would be the codes developed by the code talkers, though to be fair, Europeans invented guns. Utilizing stuff that explodes which came from the Asians.

It’s unclear who invented fire, but those early European religious libertarians definitely used it to burn witches (along with hanging and beheading them) for having the temerity to not practice Christianity. Anything bad that occurred in Europe and the New World could be blamed on witches who were granted no rights in their defense and in fact, anyone who defended a witch could be subject to the same tortures and executions. Religious liberty indeed.

Another April Fool is Tucker Carlson, who urged people yesterday to turn in parents to Child Protective Services if their kids were seen wearing masks. Really. He said that. I don’t really think any added opinion is necessary. Carlson’s prank callers who choose to waste the time of actual public servants can be handled with their wit and sarcasm far better than anything I could add.

Excerpts:

>> So, how many kids are being hurt by this? That’s a question that no one asked, and we should all be troubled by, a lot. A physician called Dr. Mary Harrow told the Colorado Springs school board that, "the data [are] overwhelming" on this topic.  

Masks, she said, can, "cause low oxygen and high carbon dioxide levels, shortness of breath, toxicity, inflammation, increased stress hormones and sugar in the body, and create fear, anxiety, headaches, compromised cognitive performance and other problems." Did you really need a medical degree to know that? People need fresh air, especially children. Deprive them of fresh air, and you hurt them. You knew that, we all knew that, it is obvious. <<

So, not only are masks not as useful outdoors, Tucker thinks they’re harmful to health.

>> As for forcing children to wear masks outside – it should be illegal. Your response when you see children wearing masks as they play should be no different than your response to seeing someone beat a child in Walmart: call the police immediately. Contact child protective services. Keep calling until someone arrives. What you’re seeing is abuse. It’s child abuse, and you’re morally obligated to try to prevent it. If it’s your own children being abused, act accordingly. Let’s say your kids’ school emailed to announce that every day after lunch, your sixth-grader was going to be punched in the face by a teacher. How would you respond to that? That’s precisely how you should respond. Think about it. That’s precisely how you should respond when they tell you that your children have to wear masks on the soccer field. That is unacceptable, it’s dangerous, and we should act like it. Because it is. <<

And of course, there’s the unparallelled foolery of Larry Kudlow. He warned on his Fox show Friday that Americans would have to skip meat on the Fourth of July if Biden’s climate change brakes are applied.

>>> “You got that? No burgers on July Fourth. No steaks on the barbie. I’m sure middle America is just going to love that. Can you grill those Brussels sprouts?” Kudlow said. “So get ready: You can throw back a plant-based beer with your grilled Brussels sprouts and wave your American flag. Call it July Fourth green.” <<

He apparently got this from Rupert Murdoch’s UK tabloid, the Daily Mail, which made it all up, repeatedly noting that Biden has released no details of his plans. If he keeps it up, he just may drive me to imbibe more plant-based alcoholic beverages instead of my preferred steak vodka and pork chop ale.

But the usual cast of cartoon characters eagerly made mountains from this non-existent mole poop. Via Washington Post:

>> Burger-gate kept spreading through the weekend. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) dubbed Biden “The Hamburglar,” while Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Colo.) tweeted that Biden should “stay out of my kitchen.” Donald Trump Jr. retweeted the Fox News graphic, writing, “I’m pretty sure I ate 4 pounds of red meat yesterday. That’s going to be a hard NO from me.” And on Sunday, Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-N.C.) tweeted that “Not only does Emperor Biden not want us to celebrate the 4th of July, now he doesn’t want us to have a burger on that day either.” <<

and

>> As a result, by Monday, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack found himself debunking the false claim during a virtual briefing with reporters.

“There’s no desire, no effort, no press release, no policy paper — none of that — that would support the notion that the Biden administration is going to suggest that people eat less meat,” Vilsack said. “Or that USDA has some program designed to reduce meat consumption. It’s simply not the case.” <<

This type of April Foolishness is common in the rightwing gospel, which advises ‘when you have nothing substantial to pin on any moderate or liberal political opponent, just make stuff up.

It convinces nobody. It just whips up stronger support from your audience to drive ratings. When you have no news, no journalism, no scandal, no comedy writers, no facts, just a sourpuss face and not a single original thought or great idea in your head.

Sadly, I expect the fools will leak over into May.

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Meanwhile, we lost another hero far too soon. A kindly, inquistive guy who got kicked off the internet for 3 days after saving it and our nation’s security as a lad.

RIP Daniel. You did it all right, in the face of the fools. And you never even got mean towards the fools.

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Is it really necessary to give virtual column space to this kind of survivalist instinct? Of course. This is the internet!. There’s plenty of space for lead lemmings ready to jump in a hole to annoy you.

Apparently, he mistakes smirking for annoyance.

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But I, too, can waste your time.