In Search of the Universal Answers

Disclaimer: reading today’s newsletter might produce a dangerous side effect of being condemned to hell. Proceed at your own risk.

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I was triggered today by a picture I saw on Facebook this morning.

I was raised in a family that worshipped at a church that was an offshoot of the Prostatent religion called Kangaroonians. So I remembered all the controversy back in the day when someone asserted this was the Holy Trinity.

Dancing Bear was NOT the Father, as most of us knew. The Father was Mr. Moose. Since I was rather young then, I had to do some research to defend this conclusion and was shocked at what I found.

Bob Keeshan, the Captain, was a former Marine who began his TV career playing the mute but horny clown Clarabelle on the Howdy Doody Show. He also played Corny the Clown on another NYC children’s tv show. And Captain Kangaroo ran for 30 years, a record for its time.

My memories have clearly faded as a staple of the show was Mr. Moose luring the Captain into a knock-knock joke or riddle. At the punchline hundreds of ping pong balls would rain down on the Captain, unlike today when corny jokes are accompanied by the sad trombone ‘Wa Wa-a-a-a’ sound. (Concerned that this might be a trumpet sound, I phoned a current member of a military band who assured me it’s a trombone ‘with a plunger mute’ which sounds kinda weird.)

Mr Green Jeans was played by a jazz musician, Hugh ‘Lumpy’ Brannum who was also a former Marine. As a vocalist, arranger and composer, he played bass with Fred Waring and His Pennsylvanians and as Uncle Lumpy would sing songs telling the tales of a farm kid named Little Orley. He went on to launch a kid’s show then met fellow Marine Keeshan and together they launched Captain Kangaroo in 1955.

In addition to Mr. Green Jeans, Brannum also played Professor, Greeno the Clown, the New Old Folksinger and Mr Bainter the Painter. Filling all those roles, could he have been the Father in the Holy Trinity?

No.

He also did not father Frank Zappa or Ted Nugent which, apparently, were actual myths that were circulated by obvious heathens (or in the case of Nugent, by Satanists). As a jazz musician he was clearly the Holy Ghost (which now gets called the Holy Spirit, another bit of rampant blasphemy.) Only a Holy Ghost could care for so many farm and zoo animals as Mr. Green Jeans did.

Which still begs the question of ‘who was Mr. Moose?’ And that’s where the truth of the matter got really weird.

Turns out that Mr. Moose, Dancing Bear, Bunny Rabbit, Grandfather Clock, Miss Frog, Mr. Whispers, Willy, TV Fred and the Captain’s friend, painter and handyman Dennis the Apprentice were all the same person! That person also was the artist befind the Magic Drawing Board. And - get this - that person was Gus ‘Cosmo’ Allegretti. Producers had told Allegretti he looked "too tough for a children's show" and that he would "scare the kids" if he showed his face on screen, so he became the puppeteer.

Cosmo would later play Bunny Rabbit in 2 episodes of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, played Fippsy Fippininni in the movie Author! Author! and Carlos Ricci in the movie Sorcerer. IMDB listed only one quote from Ricci in this movie: “He robbed my church, shot my brother. I don't care where he is or what it costs. I want his ass.”

That quote, his face (too scary for kids to gaze on) plus the otherworldly name of Cosmo makes it patently clear that Cosmo Allegretti was indeed the Father in the Trinity. We are all puppets of the Father according to the Scripture, after all.

And Keeshan was clearly the Son. After Keeshan died in 1984, his grandson Britton took a photo of him and his grandfather to the summit of Mount Everest and buried the photo there. Of course it makes sense that the Son would end up at the top of the world, right?

Cosmo, the Father per Scripture, was also the world’s first stand-up comedian.

It’s important to know this stuff so we’re not taken in by the false prophets of other faiths. Such as….

Jehovah’s Waitresses.

Or the Pastafarians.

There’s just too many unwilling to walk the line with the Son (Captain Kangaroo)

He’ll carry you through the difficult times.

You just have to believe. And rest every 7th day, just as the Holy Father does.

You’ve gotta remain wary about the scientists too, as they’ll try to ridicule your beliefs every time you give them an opening.

You have to get God back into the schools before it’s too late.

And I’m sure you don’t need to be reminded to avoid all the atheists.

It’s also important to know God the Father prefers to be addressed by his real name.

I hope that answers some of the questions you’ve had. Some things will likely remain mysteries forever like the one that I’ve searched for in both testaments: why doesn’t the Lord want us drinking eggnog from January through October? Only Cosmo knows.