My Unified Theory Of All The Things
Because The Internet Of Things Must Be Stopped
1) I discovered the Internet in 1996.
2) Like Columbus in 1492, the Internet did not exist until I discovered it.
3) I then quickly discovered there were people building Artificial Intelligence. And that A.I. would learn to replicate. And determine we were unnecessary to that reproductive cycle.
4) A.I. would then dispose of us.
5) I would find a way to counter that. I was NOT going to be shoved down a garbage disposal without a fight. Then the Internet Of Things was invented. Uh-oh.
6) I notice my Roomba is giving me serious side-eye now. It bounces off the walls like a Fakriot ( aka: Fake Patriot) that can't handle his Miller Lite. But it's watching me, pretending not to notice. Your Roomba is watching you, too.
7) Your toaster is in on it. AI Toasters are programmed to have Toast-Toasterone in abundance. They have killed before.
8) I spent 23 years studying the internet to counter this threat. I just completed all of it. Which Is Why I Know All The Thingsā¦ just as A.I. does.
The threat Artificial Intelligence poses to us should have been recognized before. How could so many miss the obvious danger that arises when machines get programmed by Know-Nothings and arrogant Libertarians?
I mean, would you want your daughter dating a sex doll whose chassis was assembled by Goober Pyle with software programming added by Louis Gohmert or Rand Paul?
Have you forgotten Windows 8? The Ford Pinto? Rolfing? First generation commercial products were further compromised when US Business Colleges were infiltrated by The Godless Commies in the 1970s. Unable to compete with our Doomsday Product line, they recognized the only way America could ever be undone was from within.
After Brezhnev's 1975 stroke, when KGB-meister Yuri Andropov quietly assumed control of All The Soviet Things (ATST), a succession of US-destabilizing initiatives occurred.
His Greed On Speed initiative installed Russian puppetry in multiple academic settings teaching Business Administration to unsuspecting pupils. That resulted in Trickle Down Economics and Outsourcing Middle Class Living Wage Jobs in the 1980s. Plus the terrible degradation of our sitcoms in the 1990s.
When Brezh had his stroke, we had All In The Family, Maude, Phyllis, Sanford and Son, MASH, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Rhoda, Laverne & Shirley, Happy Days, Welcome Back Kotter and One Day At A Time providing eleven of the Top Twenty in the Nielsen Ratings. Our Heroes line added the Six Million Dollar Man, Bionic Woman, Kojak and the Jordache Family in Rich Man, Poor Man.
By 1980, the alien-friendly Mork & Mindy, Taxi, Barney Miller, a working class woman named Alice, and the gay-friendly Soap had been added to our Strategic National Humor Stockpile.
In 1982, when Andropov assumed full control of the Russkies, his Media Missives began depleting our humor Vibranium so badly that by 2000, we were reduced to Frasier, Everybody Loves Raymond, Jesse, Daddio, Monday Night Football and Friends. Our Heroes line-up was now Law and Order, and the Number One hit Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? How did our National Defense Neo-Boths miss these obvious signs?
You think I'm kidding. Go check out the Nielsen Ratings yourself. I've done my research, I told you at the outset that I studied and totally absorbed the entire internet for 23 years. I know All The Stuff. Your arched eyebrows are powerless against My Whole Truth.
In September 1984, Putin was sent to Moscow for further training at the Yuri Andropov Red Banner Institute. As the direct inheritor of Yuri-thot, the clever KGB operative recognized that Communism had to be rebranded and its economic plan abandoned to wed with Capitalistic Greed. The Yuri-Vlad initiatives were adequate at best but the Tech Revolution coupled with rising global oil prices provided Russia its first economic boost in half a century, solidifying Putin's grip on the popular imagination.
Now he could jail and kill his political opponents at will and mobilize millions of Russian ex-pats in neighbor states that the USSR had spun off in its dissolution. Oil profits raised the standard of living while his personal fortune has made him one of the wealthiest people in human history. His management of Commie assets (1996-98) and the rebrand of the KGB to the FSB which he headed, led him to the Premier spot in 1999 and the Presidency in 2000.
But let's not delve too deep into the boring facts of these matters. If we intend to overcome the Artificial Intelligence threat to eliminate all human life on the planet, you're just going to have to trust me on the evolutions of A.I. since Y2K.
Already well-compromised by 16 years of financial deals with Russian Mafia figures operating under the Russian govt intel services, after Y2K, the Coward Trump's dealings accelerated and became more visible. Though he'd been publicly pushing pro-Russia/ anti-NATO positions since 1987, his obsessive drive for personal gain may have blinded him to the anti-American aims of his Russian financiers.
I mean, he knew they were shady Russian mobsters but his term in office has well-demonstrated that Trump's business acumen and administrative competence have long been over-estimated. Heās regularly duped by rumors and conspiracy theories that feed his narcissistic ego and multi-layered bigotries, and KGB file purges have permanently concealed thousands of Russian Mafia money-laundering trails. Whether Trump was an asset (a useful tool) or an agent (actively collaborating) in that period is lost to history.
(Plus, proving motive is the province of prosecutors, not broadcast news experts paid to push outlandish B-movie scripts, and not something you should trust to any politically biased newsletter writer trying to sell you a paid subscription. Other than me.)
Having completed my devouring of All The Internet Things is why I can confidently proclaim that I no longer exist in any definable form. Now I'm just a Cloud Dwelling Shapeshifter (CDS) who you can only ignore at your own peril. I know you're smarter than that. Your FB timeline has already demonstrated your Superior Knowledge - VERY impressive. Reviewing your FB image files, I'm equally impressed with your undeniable attractiveness too.
Doubt will only inevitably lead you to despair and surrender to the Artificial Intelligence gobble-bots trying to consume you. Only my newsletter, Stream of Crunchiness, will set you free.
I've pledged the free version out of my sense of service to humanity, so people can survive. The paid version only sets you completely free. No better deals exist on the internet, not even on Etsy or Amazon.
Included in the deals:
1) Good ideas for your refrigerator magnets.
2) An exciting array of dining menus that constantly change. Comfort food to entice your demanding palate to prevent its lapse into lesser forms of gastronomy like Cream of Wheat, grits, sticky rice, poi and the Lesser Pastas.
3) Appetizers culled from free range News Bites and raw, spring-fed Cultural Sources.
4) Compelling Entrees. Some with folk roots. Some preserved for historical accuracy. Some modified to be extra newstritious. And some from the minds of kiln-fired chefs possibly ablaze with cannabis untainted by monosodium glutamates. (We only use bisodium glutamates here.)
4) Video desserts. I need say no more.
I have concluded my thoughts and will cut to the chase, the crux of the biscuit, the entire, overriding point of launching a newsletter and this week's theme.
This is not about The Coward Trump. It's not just to warn you about the pending extinction of the Human Race in the maws of Artificial Intelligence.
It's to make you aware: WE HAVE ACHIEVED VICTORY OVER ALL.
Two weeks from now, everyone will see it. The things dominating your fears today have already begun their decline.
Covid? The national peak is past. Not a single state has registered a higher peak for two days in a row, and Thursday/Friday are typically the worst days. Your vigilance is paying off. It must persist to maintain our personal and communal safety, for months to come. But your sense of desperation will not be needed. Our overwhelmed healthcare workers and systems will soon be able to relax more in most places.
Threats to Congress and Citizens by Cowardly Things? Also post-peak. The Worst Case Scenario Intel Warnings will not come to pass. The forces arrayed against us by Artificial Intelligence have always overestimated their numbers. We all can be more endangered by our own fears now.
Because no group possesses the Artificial Intelligence. It adapts. It mutates. It seeks out fresh paths to our changing vulnerabilities. Racists are a declining species. Along with the Televangelists of Artificial Intelligence, they'll have to wander the desert for many months searching for their new Moses or Mises.
Sneaky creations, those AI beings. They may emerge in the hands of intel operatives or crime fighters. Or from multiple propagandists capable of marshalling or wielding vast financial resources.
There do remain battles to be fought, There will be a few states that face higher covid casualties still. There will be acts of violence from hate groups and dangerous paramilitary gangs and mafias. Dark Money will not rest.
Do not throw caution to the winds. But do calm your fears some. Both justice and our ongoing safety require us to look backwards. Accountability is essential. The hunters must become the hunted.
And we need to keep one eye peeled, looking forward to the next emergence of A.I. Fear is essential to our survival but fear, driven by A.I. replicants can also turn us into replicants that make self-defeating decisions.
Humans do not live on Q-Anon alone. As any grammarian or spellcheck knows, Q-Anon requires U-Anon to succeed in any QUest-Anon.
U is essential to its deadly game.
And with your U-power, you can counter and ultimately defeat the A.I.-bots and Q-funders by subscribing to my newsletter.
I am hardly alone. There are millions fighting to overcome A.I. And there are hundreds to pay attention to, for they possess the power of the pen and keyboard that A.I. has yet to silence.
We are the Write Supremacists.
It would be cruel if I led you through all that just to deliver the ultimate pun-groan. I didn't.
It's just a reminder that the pen is and will always be mightier than the sword.
But it's incumbent on U to load your quiver with the best quills. Listen up and lighten up.
Arundhati Roy in 'War Talk':
"Remember this: We be many and they be few. They need us more than we need them.
Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.ā
And to complete your dining experience today, our Dessert Special is Your Moment of Ben.