The War on Christmas, v. 2022, Part 2 of 4

One can't have Christmas without ghosts, can one?

As I drifted off to sleep, I thought of the old poem, ‘A Visit from St. Nicholas’. Once asleep, it came back to me. But something was different.

Suddenly, I felt someone grab me by the shoulder. They shook me awake.
It was the ghost of Mariah Carey.

”W-W-hat do you want?” I asked.

“Leave me alone!” I cried, “I can’t roll my eyes that far.”

I was suddenly alone again. As I drifted off to sleep once more, I thought of a photo I’d seen. It was called Castro District and was taken by Denise Lever.

Jesus would approve. But no sooner than I’d drifted off again when I was tugged awake by this tiny holly jolly creature. “And who are you?” I demanded.

“I’m Hank with a Shank,” he replied, “and don’t call me jolly!”

”What do you want from me?”

”I need you to know, there’s a Day for Arbor and another for Pearl Harbor. There’s 8 days for Hannukah, there’s the Winter Solstice, there’s Festivus, Christmas, Boxing Day and 7 days of Kwanzaa.”

”Go away,” says I, “I only do Christmas.”

He replied “Oh yeah? I think you overdo Christmas, mate. Do you realize the horror you inflict on us little people? First we have to avoid getting peed on by these.”

“Dachshund through the snow sounds fun to you but do you ever think of us? No, you only think of your elf …on the shelf.

”And how would you like it if you were inundated with these, with similar bladder habits?”

“So what are you asking for? I can’t disappear tens of thousands of Santas around the globe.”

”No, not immediately, but if you’d let others have their share of December, eventually, their numbers would shrink and we’d all be able to get around with a whole lot less yellow snow.

”There are other religions you know, each with their scriptures and holidays. Here’s just a few.”

“No way, man. You can’t steal Christmas or Satan will win.”

”Dude, you stole a pagan holiday, trees and all, for your Christmas. And even your Bible calls Jews ‘the Chosen People’. They’re not so hard to get along with. They’re way flexible about stuff, even their Hannukah.”

“And some are pretty cool; have you ever been to their festival of lights?”

Hank continued: “And that whole schtick about rich Jews controlling Hollywood’s a bit outdated. Among the celebs, there’s Seinfeld and Larry David, worth around $800 million each. Bill Shatner, Adam Sandler, Harrison Ford, Michael Douglas. That’s six guys with some Jewish in them worth at least $200 million. Do you realize how many actors and actresses there are in Hollywood?

”There’s maybe two dozen directors, producers, etc from Spielberg on down with similar influence and moolah but think about it. What do you like to watch? Superheroes? Romcoms? Cop shows or mysteries? What do you see that’s anti-Christian? Maybe it’s the comedies, but they poke fun at everyone.”

“Okay Hank, I suppose I could say Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah, but I’m drawing the line there.”

And just like that, Hank the Shank disappeared into the ether. Relieved, I returned to my slumber. It didn’t go well. I dreamt of terrifying things, like this.

Head to Part Three.