Today's Special: Texas Tea
Because Texas Don't Need No Stinking Regulation
After 4.2 million chilled out Texans lost electrical power because their utility companies figured out a way to freeze natural gas and make giant fans stop turning, their water treatment companies stepped up to the challenge and disrupted water supplies to nearly 12 million Texans.
The utility companies weren’t at all pleased at being outperformed by the H2O upstarts. Ever since a winter storm in 2011, they’d spent a decade planning for this moment by refusing to insulate anything except their responsibilities from all government regulation.
Texas Governor Greg ‘Dagn’ Abbott called an emergency meeting of his Tea Party advisors in response this morning. US Representatives Michael Burgess, John Carter, Louis Gohmert, US Senator Rafael Edward ‘Ted’ Cruz and Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick were in attendance. The meeting was called to order by indicted Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton with a memorial tribute to the party’s godfather, 85 year old Ron Paul, who looked on with disgust while jotting down conspiracy theories, ideas for fresh race wars launched by anti-government militias and anti-semitic screeds for his latest newsletter.
At the conclusion of the rancorous meeting, Ron Paul stormed out, vowing to take out ‘that little shit Anthony Fauci’ and Governor Abbott spoke briefly to the press.
”I’m ordering Texans to shut off all their faucet and hose bib dribbles, to let their pipes freeze and to boil their drinking water to get the taint out,” he declared.
He also announced that he was establishing a new position of Anti-Biden Czar, in keeping with his philosophical bents announced previously to a 2015 RedState convention. He told them back then: “Texas has become ground zero for the Tea Party movement because we cherish our independence … our Constitution and the foundational principals of this country as much as any people that live on the face of this earth.”
He got his second standing ovation from that RedState For Lunch Bunch when he declared: “I have set a record in the U.S .that will never be broken. I have sued Barack Obama 31 times.”
The new position announced today will be filled immediately by the recently resigned mayor of Colorado City, TX, the scruffy Natcher L Gassy.
Governor Abbott concluded the press briefing by ordering Senator Cruz to wheel him out of the conference room.
”Forward, Sancho Panza!” he cried, “the Giants are upon us!" We must make Texas great again!”
Note: If you’re actually facing or enduring a power outage anywhere, you might find this advice helpful. SERIOUSLY.
Feel free to share this latest adventure of Greg Quixote with your so-called friends and overly alarmed family. And add your own solutions to the Windmill Crisis with a comment..
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